


R2-D2 Saves the Galaxy (Okay, so Obi-Wan helps a little)

by kj_feybarn



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: (So is Obi-Wan really), Crack sort of kind of treated seriously, I'm having way too much fun with this, R2-D2 is an adrenaline junkie, R2-D2 saves the Galaxy, Repeat: This Story Is Kind of Cracky, expect reality to be left at the door, lots of accidental abduction, none of this is Obi-Wan's fault
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-01-02 20:50:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21167678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kj_feybarn/pseuds/kj_feybarn
Summary: R2-D2 was hoping for a little bit of excitement when he was sent with Mistress Padme and Little Ani as part of Mistress Padme's protection. That was not what he got.Now, Jedi Kenobi is clearly in trouble. As far as R2 can see, the best way to keep Mistress Padme safe is to save Jedi Kenobi.Clearly, R2-D2 is the droid for the job.





	1. R2 decides to launch a rescue mission

This had not gone the way that R2 had hoped it would go.

Not that R2 had _wanted _anyone to try and kill Mistress Padme. R2 had just thought, with assassins being involved and all, that things would have at least been a little less boring than things had turned out to be so far.

And it was Mistress Padme and Little Ani! Although little Ani wasn't as little as he used to be. 

R2 still remembered when Little Ani had actually been little, the two of them had flown into battle together and blown up a droid control ship. He knew Little Ani, he didn't really know this new big Ani, but R2 had hoped that he was still the same.

That had been one of the most exciting moments of R2's life. R2 had felt like every circuit in his little frame had been running two times faster than it was actually possible for them to run. R2 had loved it.

And Mistress Padme may not have had adventures all the time when they'd been on Naboo, but she had them sometimes, and she almost always let R2 come with her. And Good-Decoy Sabe had sometimes brought R2 on her adventures too. R2 had been desperately grateful for those few adventures. It had broken up the monotony.

There was nothing R2 hated more than being bored. He didn't care if as an astromech he shouldn't be bothered by things such as monotony, he was!

But now here he was, stuck in the ship on this stupid sand planet.

It was somehow even more boring than everything that had happened on Naboo, and that had been incredibly boring. R2 had been forced to watch as Mistress Padme and Little Ani made weird human faces at each other which, when he'd analyzed against the information he had stored in his data packets from other human observation, he could only conclude were supposed to be lovelorn.

R2 had vaguely hoped when they left Naboo for Tatooine that that meant they'd have an adventure. But no, Mistress Padme and Little Ani had told him to stay in the ship. As though either of them were prepared to deal with an adventure without him there!

To make it worse, somehow the sand had made it's way into the ship and was getting everywhere, including trying to get inside R2's frame.

R2 had data packets that reminded him that this had been a problem last time he'd been on the sand planet. But at least then there had been things to distract R2 from the absolute nuisance that was sand.

Mistress Padme and Little Ani owed him a really good adventure to make up for the absolute awfulness that these past few weeks had been. That and an oil bath.

There was a beep from the ship alerting him to the fact that a transmission was coming in. R2 wheeled over as a holo popped up. Jedi Kenobi started talking and R2 analyzed the information carefully. The transmission was halted when battle droids showed up and started shooting, forcing Jedi Kenobi out of the holo. Battle droids were the worst. They were always poorly programmed, and thought that shooting things was the only way to solve problems. No ingenuity.

R2 was far more advanced, capable of analyzing his programming and interpreting it in a variety of ways. Plus, R2 was good at solving problems, not like stupid battle droids.

The transmission cut off and R2 quickly downloaded it so that he could take it to Little Ani. His circuits were practically sparking he was so excited. They would for sure go on an adventure now.

He stopped rolling before he could open the ship up.

What if they didn't go?

Jedi Kenobi had told Little Ani to send this message on to the Jedi Council. What if Little Ani just let them deal with the situation?

Oh.

R2 pulled the transmission up again and listened to it. Jedi Kenobi had gone to Geonosis following the Bounty Hunter after Mistress Padme, then there was the Trade Federation, and possibly a droid army.

He couldn't help the mournful whistle that escaped him.

There was no way that Little Ani and Mistress Padme would let them go on an adventure, not when the reason they'd gone into hiding in the first place was to protect Mistress Padme.

They were going to stay on this stupid sand planet and if R2 was lucky they would all eventually go back to Naboo and he'd have to watch Mistress Padme and Little Ani make more stupid human faces at each other.

It wasn't fair that Jedi Kenobi got to have all of the adventure.

R2 had small data packets that remembered Jedi Kenobi from the first time on Naboo and Tatooine, R2 had thought he was boring because he'd stayed on the ship the whole time. But obviously his data packet on Jedi Kenobi wasn't complete. After all, Jedi Kenobi was the one who had jumped out of a window, and he didn't even have the thrusters that R2 had.

Something in R2's circuits sparked and R2 played the transmission again.

R2 had been sent with Mistress Padme and Little Ani to help protect Mistress Padme. Jedi Kenobi was obviously also protecting Mistress Padme.

Jedi Kenobi was possibly in danger, which would mean that he wouldn't be able to keep protecting Mistress Padme.

This would put Mistress Padme in even more danger.

That of course, would be bad. And since R2 was supposed to protect Mistress Padme, R2 should do everything in his power to make sure that Mistress Padme wasn't in any more danger.

Which meant that R2 needed to save Jedi Kenobi.

And once R2 had done that, Jedi Kenobi would need help making sure the Bounty Hunter, the Trade Federation, and the Droid Army didn't pose any further danger to Mistress Padme; R2 would obviously be the best choice to help him.

R2 considered the transmission one last time before whistling gleefully. He saved the transmission again before moving to the ships computer banks. The ship computers took a few minutes to convince, but R2 was very persuasive.

Time for an adventure.


	2. Obi-Wan makes hasty decisions

Obi-Wan frowned as his little prison spun him around yet again.

It felt like an analogy for his thoughts, right now. Spinning around and around, with absolutely no progress being made.

He went over everything that Dooku had told him again. A Sith Lord on Coruscant influencing the Senate.

Frankly, it wouldn't surprise Obi-Wan if there was a Sith Lord in the Senate. A Sith would fit right in with the majority of politicians, a more self-serving bunch of snakes he had never seen.

But still, it couldn't be true.

Could it?

No. Surely the Council would know if there was a Sith Lord so close. He shuddered as he remembered the Sith Warrior from Naboo.

Sometimes in his dreams he still felt that dark, inky, cruel malevolence reaching for him, trying to destroy him.

Could such a terrible, cruel miasma of darkness such as that really hide in the Force?

He closed his eyes and deliberately emptied his mind. He would come to no conclusions now. And strangely enough, the possibility a Sith Lord on Coruscant was hardly the most pressing issue right now.

No, currently he had to determine how he was going to avoid being executed. Then he could focus on trying to figure out a way to stop the Republic from going to War.

He ignored the quiet voice in the back of his head that told him there was no way to stop this from happening.

There _had _to be.

Obi-Wan refused to believe that it was inevitable.

The door opened just as he rotated past it and he pulled his focus back to the room around him, mentally preparing himself for anything.

Nothing happened for a moment and Obi-Wan narrowed his eyes, even as his prison rotated him so that he could no longer see the door.

The excited beep of a droid echoed in the room and Obi-Wan furrowed his eyebrows. Yes, he had seen the droids being built by the Trade Federation, Techno Union, and Commerce Guild, but those had all been battle droids…

The rotation brought him back to facing the door and caught sight of the astromech he was positive he had sent along with his Padawan. "R2? What are you doing here?"

R2 beeped happily and rolled forward, connecting to the terminal that controlled his hanging prison. A few moments later the power sputtered and went off and Obi-Wan dropped unceremoniously to the ground as the cuffs around his wrists and ankles unlatched and landed in the red sand.

He kept himself from groaning as he pushed himself to his feet. There were left over tingles of electricity running through his skin and his left leg was completely numb from lack of movement and his right leg was only slightly better.

Still, there was no time to stand around waiting for his body to start cooperating with him.

"Where is Anakin? Surely he didn't abandon the Senator!" A thought occurred to him and he felt slightly horrified. "He didn't bring her with him, did he?" That was all this situation needed, his Padawan running amok pulling the Senator in his wake.

R2 whistled and beeped, his dome spinning.

Obi-Wan didn't understand binary but between the fact that he couldn't feel Anakin's presence anywhere nearby in the Force and R2's obvious pride another suspicion was beginning to grow in his mind. "R2, did you come rescue me all by yourself?"

R2 beeped, and Obi-Wan had never really given much thought to the fact that astromech's could sound smug, but at the moment that was exactly the way R2 sounded.

Obi-Wan blinked and then nodded. "Right, well, thank you R2. I appreciate the rescue." He hesitated, his mind whirling through everything. Decisions and choices running through his mind. "You got the message I sent, yes?"

R2 beeped something that sounded affirmative.

"Did you send the message on to Coruscant the way I asked you to?"

R2 seemed to hesitate before trilling a negative response.

That meant that the Republic had yet to discover the existence of the droid army. This could be either a terrible mistake or a blessing in disguise.

The discovery of a droid army in the Separatists' possession would cause the Senate to rush into war.

Should they go to war there would be no going back, not until the Galaxy had fallen into chaos. Not until things were irreparably changed. He could feel it deep in his soul that entering into war would destroy the Republic, would destroy the Galaxy.

And while the Republic desperately needed change, there had to be a way to bring the Republic back to a place of true democracy without descending into war.

Force, what was he supposed to do?

He could not allow the Republic to be taken by surprise by the droid army. It would splinter the Galaxy further than it already had, planets ceding to CIS control due to fear, rather than any true belief in the values the CIS claimed to hold to.

But the Force whispered against sending word to Coruscant.

His resolve firmed.

"R2, I need your help."

R2 beeped excitedly, his dome spinning quickly. Obi-Wan was going to take that as agreement to lend his aid.

"Can you send a message through the Geonosian's communication system to reach Count Dooku?"

R2 beeped in the affirmative.

"Right. Good." He took a deep breath. "Let's put some distance between us and this cell before we send that message then. After that we're going to have to destroy the droid foundries. Or as many as we can before they catch up to us." He frowned. "I also need you to get into their databases, collect as much information as possible. This cannot be the only droid foundry, and we need to find as many of them as we can. We need to set the Separatists back in production, anything to delay the war as much as we can."

R2 spun around in circles, and then bumped into his legs, pushing him toward the exit. If Obi-Wan didn't know any better he would have described the droid as excited, but surely that wasn't right.

Obi-Wan was practically signing their death warrants. There was nothing about that that was exciting.

Still, it needed to be done. He had to buy the Republic time.

It was remarkably easy to sneak their way through the Geonosian's hive. Apparently they hadn't seen the need to increase security since the last time Obi-Wan had been sneaking around.

Not that Obi-Wan was complaining.

Even when anyone came through, Obi-Wan was the only one who had to hide. No one so much as blinked at R2's presence. It looked like there were benefits to being a droid, even if R2 was an astromech rather than a Trade Federation or Techno Union droid.

They made it to a more secluded area that fortunately still had a data port and Obi-Wan turned to the droid. "Can you create a map of where all of the droid foundries and holding stations are here on Geonosis?"

R2 whistled and quickly hooked himself up into the terminal. Obi-Wan waited to make sure that R2 didn't need anything from him before settling down. This was hardly the best place or time to meditate, but even if Obi-Wan didn't die in the next few hours he was about to upend his whole world and he desperately wanted reassurance from the Force.

The Force was soft and welcoming as Obi-Wan slid into meditation and Obi-Wan reveled in the warmth of the Force. _Guide me_. He begged quietly. _I am doing everything in my power. Please, guide me._

The Force was tender, his perception of it twisting so that it felt like a soft brush of intangible fingers against his cheek.

It wasn't a promise, but it was a reassurance, nonetheless.

He heard R2 beep out in the real world and he pulled himself out of meditation. "What do you have for me, R2?"

R2 beeped and threw up a holo-map. Obi-Wan scanned it and felt a hint of gratitude. A part of him had worried that the droid foundries would be scattered throughout the entirety of Geonosis, and based on the map, there were signs that there were plans for expansion. But for now the foundries were all generally in the same location.

Obi-Wan nodded. "All right. We can deal with this." He pointed to the control center. "We're starting here, and we're going to be as quiet as possible. No chaos. I need you to download as much information as you can from their systems. I need to know where the other foundries were built, they can't all be here on Geonosis; check to see if there are any plans for an initial attack against the Republic; you should also see if you can find anything about a contact in Coruscant." As much as he hated to admit it, he suspected that Dooku was telling the truth about a Sith hiding somewhere on Coruscant, even if not in the Senate. What he did doubt, however, was that Dooku was working against said Sith.

No. Obi-Wan suspected that Dooku was actually working with the Sith. A Sith on both sides of the war that was coming for them.

Though he doubted that either Dooku or the unknown Sith were so foolish as to leave any solid information in such an easily accessible location. But it didn't hurt to have R2 look.

He took a deep breath.

"R2, can you use the communication systems to send a message to Senator Amidala. Coded and shielded in such a way that the Geonosians won't notice?"

R2 whistled uncertainly, but then after a moment gave an affirmative beep.

Obi-Wan nodded. "Excellent. That message first, please."

After a moment a light indicating that R2 was recording lit up and Obi-Wan took a deep breath. “Senator Amidala, I must thank you for sending R2 to aid me in my time of need. The situation here on Geonosis is grave, and I regret what I am about to ask you to do. You must return to Coruscant.” He squared his shoulders. “What I tell you now I tell you in great trust. In my investigation I have stumbled across two separate armies, one a clone army ordered for the Republic ten years ago; the other a droid army created by the CIS. You know as well as I what this means, Senator. We are on the brink of war.”

He let his head dip, a moment of mourning before raising his head again to look to where R2 was holo-recording him. "I have already informed the Jedi Council of the creation of the clone army and they have taken word to the Chancellor. Yet, I fear if I were to send word of the droid army I have found that the first response would be panic, to lash out at this new threat. We both know that such actions cannot be taken back and the Republic would be launched into war."

"I am entrusting you with this information in the hopes that you and your allies will be able to remind the Senate of the terrible costs of war. That you will find a way to bring sense and mercy to the Republic. I will buy you what time I can to stop Count Dooku from beginning the war before the Republic has found another option."

"The rest of my message I leave for my Padawan." He took a deep breath. "Anakin, I cannot tell you the regret that fills me as I leave this message for you to take to the Council. I cannot take action against the CIS as a Representative of the Republic. To do so could be considered the first volley in this war. As such I tender my resignation to the Jedi Order. I do not wish to abandon you, Anakin, but I see no other option." Quite against his will, he felt a knot form in his throat, making the next words difficult to get out. "Anakin, the past ten years with you by my side have been dear to me. I am very proud of the man you are becoming, and have great faith in the man you will continue to become. Trust in the Force, Padawan, and trust in yourself. Do not come to me, Anakin, I know what the personal repercussions of my actions will be, and I want better for you than that."

"I am sorry, Anakin." He let a deep breath escape him. "May the Force be with you, both."

He saw R2 end the recording and closed his eyes. He let himself curl inwards for just a moment, let himself mourn the life he had just abandoned.

R2 whistled softly, and Obi-Wan heard him roll forward quietly, bumping into his left leg in a manner that was almost gentle.

Obi-Wan rested a hand on his chrome dome and then pulled himself back together. "Let's take a look at that map again. R2."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right, so I need a teensy bit of angst before I go back to being absolutely ridiculous. (It's not my fault, Obi-Wan just brings out the angstiest little bits...)
> 
> Also... I'm mostly updating this now because there's homework I really, desperately need to get done, except I really, desperately don't want to be doing it, so I spent my time doing this instead.
> 
> But now my distraction is over, so I'm going to go back to being a good human being who does their homework.


	3. R2 makes things explode

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter was a little clunky, but I'm going with it so I can get on with things...

R2 felt his circuits spark happily as he rolled back into their designated corner of the Geonosian hive. They had gone together to the control room to download as much data as they could before separating to the factories. There had been six in the area, and Friend Obi-Wan and R2 had taken three each, carefully sabotaging the factory reactors. R2 had also snuck into some of the weapon caches for the battledroids and messed with their production routines. Friend Obi-Wan, whose designation R2 had carefully changed from Jedi Kenobi, wasn't back yet, but R2 had run a careful analysis of the situation and there was an 86 percent chance of the man making it back by the allotted time, 89 percent if the patrol around Geonosis remained subpar.

He connected himself back into the data port and sliced his way so that he could better watch communications, he noted with vague alarm that someone was scheduled to bring Friend Obi-Wan to be executed soon. They were going to lose the element of surprise once someone realized that Friend Obi-Wan was no longer in his cell.

R2's calculations actually showed that they had gone an hour over his estimated time until discovery, but R2 had hoped that the organics would all continue to prove themselves inept.

His sensors picked up someone coming and he retreated from the data port and started rolling along the hallway as though he belonged there.

Friend Obi-Wan turned the corner and raised an eyebrow in what R2's data banks informed him could be either surprise, annoyance, or amusement. He considered running other facial cues to further analyze the facial expression but then decided that he wasn't a protocol droid and it wasn't important. And the way Friend Obi-Wan gently patted his chrome informed R2 that the man wasn't annoyed, and R2 was pleased with either amusement or surprise.

R2 let the man know about the scheduled execution Friend Obi-Wan would thankfully miss, but Friend Obi-Wan didn't speak binary, which was truly unfortunate.

"Are you ready to open communications, R2?"

Of course he was. R2 was always ready. He readjusted so that he could slice into the communication network again and then gave Friend Obi-Wan a signal to show he was ready.

"Everything's scrambled so they won't be able to easily pinpoint us?"

R2 twitched his dome in annoyance and explained to Friend Obi-Wan that of course he had scrambled the signal, he wasn't some amateur.

While Friend Obi-Wan didn't seem to understand everything R2 had told him the other man did nod seriously. "Of course, R2, I wasn't doubting you, I am merely attempting to remain cautious."

R2 decided that he could forgive that. Friend Obi-Wan straightened. "All right. I'm ready."

R2 connected himself to Evil Dooku's commlink. Well, R2 didn't actually know if he was evil, but Mistress Padme didn't like him, and he had imprisoned Friend Obi-Wan, frankly, that was all R2 needed to know to give him his designation.

He created the holo of Evil Dooku and Friend Obi-Wan gave the holo a small bow. R2 wasn't sure why Friend Obi-Wan would do that, people used to do that to Mistress Padme all the time as a sign of respect. Evil Dooku didn't deserve that at all.

"Count Dooku."

"Knight Kenobi. I admit that hearing from you is something of a surprise. Should I assume that this means you have decided to remove yourself from the Geonosians hospitality?"

There were noises outside of the commlink that R2 was fairly certain were supposed to be surprise and alarm.

"Yes, a new friend of mine decided to drop by and take me with them."

"Oh? Is that so?" Evil Dooku's response didn't reveal anything of what he was thinking at that and R2 wished that organics were a little easier to read, other droids were never this complicated.

"Yes. However, that isn't the purpose of my communication."

"I had assumed that there was more to it." Evil Dooku agreed.

Friend Obi-Wan's face was what R2 thought human's called serene, but R2 noticed that the way he was standing was similar to how he stood when he was saying goodbye to Little Ani. "I thought it pertinent to inform you that I've left the Jedi Order."

Evil Dooku's eyebrows both rose and R2 was sure that this was surprise. "Have you decided to take me up on my offer?"

Offer? There was an offer? R2 hadn't heard about that, and he didn't much like the sound of it either. He whistled lowly, but Friend Obi-Wan didn't react to his question.

"I'm afraid that isn't possible at this time. But I thought it best to inform you of my lack of connection to the Republic, and that the Republic and the Order have also received my resignation."

Evil Dooku's eyes narrowed.

"I also thought I should warn you to have your droid foundries cleared out." Friend Obi-Wan lifted his hands up and made a gesture to indicate the area around them. "You really ought to have increased security in those areas."

"Kenobi—“ Friend Obi-Wan made a signal and R2 immediately cut the communications.

Friend Obi-Wan sighed. "I do really wish we'd been able to do this part from the ship." He sighed and settled next to R2. "Send out a signal for an evacuation of the foundries."

R2 set off as many evacuation alarms as he could, even as he whistled in question; Friend Obi-Wan shook his head. "No, I don't trust Dooku to order any Geonosians in the area out." Friend Obi-Wan looked away, and his voice took a tone that R2's analysis indicated was tired. "I'm going to become a criminal, that doesn't mean I need to become careless with people's lives."

According to the data port the droid foundries now had the sprinklers going off, and alarms blaring, and were hopefully now in chaos.

R2 informed Friend Obi-Wan of this and then told Friend Obi-Wan that R2 would also be becoming a criminal, and that it wasn't the worst thing in the galaxy. They were going to be good criminals, in both manners of speaking.

This communication barrier was starting to become very frustrating, but Friend Obi-Wan still gave R2 a smile. "Thank you, R2." So maybe R2 had somehow managed to get the most important part of the message across. Unless he was thanking R2 for setting off the alarms.

What good was comforting Friend Obi-Wan if the human didn’t even know R2 was doing it!?

Obi-Wan waited a few more minutes before nodding to himself. "All right, R2. Set the reactors off."

This was the reason they hadn't been able to do this from the ship. If they had been more prepared for the situation they probably could have, but on the fly this was the best they could do. Using the data port to connect to the control system, and R2 thought this was a very poor design choice of the creators, he connected to all six of the factory reactor systems. R2 looked for the flaw that he and Friend Obi-Wan had created in the reactor programs, and then set the program to run.

Both he and Friend Obi-Wan waited in expectation, and it took less than a minute before the sound of explosions reached them. R2 whistled happily. They'd done it!

Friend Obi-Wan let out a deep breath. "Wonderful. Now we just need to get off this blasted planet. Where did you say that you left the ship?"

R2 whistled and Obi-Wan followed him as he started off.

They had to move much slower now that Evil Dooku realized that Friend Obi-Wan had escaped and sabotaged his factories. There were Geonosians scouring the hallways looking for them and Friend Obi-Wan had to hide himself almost more often than they could actually move.

Still, they made it to the area, hidden near one of the now destroyed foundries, where R2 had left the ship.

Friend Obi-Wan hissed and stopped R2 from moving closer. "Something's wrong here." He paused. "Run a scan of the area, R2, see what you find."

R2 twisted his dome quietly in a silent acknowledgment as he ran the scanners. There was nothing outside of the ship, but after a second scan he noted that there appeared to be something organic _inside _the ship.

He whistled urgently at Friend Obi-Wan.

"Someone's there?"

R2 whistled again.

Friend Obi-Wan sighed. "Can you tell whether it's human or Geonosian?"

R2 ran another scan, thankfully humans and Geonosians had different carbon and oxygen levels, and after a short analysis he could verify it as human.

He told Friend Obi-Wan as much. Apparently unwilling to trust his ability to interpret, Friend Obi-Wan quietly clarified. "Human?"

R2 gave a quick affirmative.

"Fett." Friend Obi-Wan's hand went to his belt, before his face twisted in a way R2 wasn't used to. He analyzed the expressions quickly and determined it to be distress.

"I don't think it would be a wise idea for me to try to take Fett while unarmed." He paused. "I think our best bet would be to make it to the shipyard and steal a ship."

He frowned. "Between the two of us, hopefully we can get a ship out of here."

Of course R2 could override a ship's security protocols, but he would forgive Friend Obi-Wan for not knowing that.

They kept to the outskirts of the hive this time. And there was enough chaos going on that they managed to make it most of the way to the shipyard without problem.

They were attacked once by a pair of Geonosians carrying spears, but Friend Obi-Wan managed to fight them off admirably even without his lightsaber; the moment that Friend Obi-Wan managed to retrieve one of the spears for himself he took them both down with ease.

Of course, R2 hadn't doubted him for even a moment.

So maybe R2 had doubted Friend Obi-Wan, but it had only been for half a second when his analysis systems indicated that without his weapon, Friend Obi-Wan was outmatched.

He updated his data packet set apart for Friend Obi-Wan to indicate greater physical prowess than R2 had initially recorded.

They made it to the rest of the shipyard quickly and R2 followed Friend Obi-Wan as he made his way through the ships.

Friend Obi-Wan was focusing on slicing open one of the larger Geonosian fighter ships, one that would fit both of them easily.

R2 however caught sight of another ship, settled somewhat in a corner. It was a Firespray ship, but an unfamiliar class. It was dark gray and somewhat battered and R2's circuits cycled quickly in delight. R2 thought this was probably what organics called love at first sight.

He trundled over and found a panel to start slicing his chosen ship open.

Friend Obi-Wan made a distressed sound. "That really isn't a good idea, R2."

R2 ignored him as he made contact with the ships systems. This ship was perfect.

The Firespray seemed very flattered that he thought so. R2 informed the Firespray that he and his Friend were going to save the Republic.

The Firespray was a little less impressed than R2 would have hoped, but R2 did his best to convince the Firespray that they would really benefit from her help.

The Firespray hesitated, her humans didn't like the Republic, she told him. They probably didn't want R2 and Friend Obi-Wan to save the Republic.

R2 told her that they were also going to be criminals.

That seemed to appease her far more than their heroic quest.

"R2, please come away from that ship. We've already antagonized Dooku, antagonizing Fett is only going to make this more complicated."

The Firespray asked R2 if they were going to take her away from her humans forever if she let him in, she quite liked her humans. They were feisty and skilled.

R2 promised that they'd make sure to leave a tracker and communicator to let her humans find her again once they were safely off planet.

Finally the Firespray let her landing ramp down, and told R2 that he was going to owe her a favor and that he wasn't allowed to look into her data banks. She kept her humans' secrets.

R2 was quick to promise and then disconnected so that he could roll up the landing pad.

Friend Obi-Wan hesitated before following him. "Such a bad idea."

R2 ignored him as he made his way to the pilot's seat. He whistled in annoyance, the way the seats were set up, it would be difficult for him to help with takeoff.

Friend Obi-Wan hesitated and R2 whistled at him.

Friend Obi-Wan grumbled and slid into one of the seats, starting the ship up. "We're going to pay for this."

R2 beeped happily at him and watched as Friend Obi-Wan actually started getting the ship ready for take off. Once he was sure Friend Obi-Wan was going to go through with it R2 trundled back to the main area so that he could get Firespray to close the landing ramp.

R2 froze as a small human boy walked up the ramp, closing it behind him. "Buir?" The boy called out. But Friend Obi-Wan was too busy, and the engines starting up were too loud for Friend Obi-Wan to hear.

The small human took a step into the ship, looking around and R2 rolled out of the hall and into the boy's view.

The child's mouth gaped open in a way that R2's data packets indicated was shock. "What are you doing here?" Friend Obi-Wan had gotten the ship to take off and the small human clutched at the wall. "Buir? Dad? What's going on?"

The boy's hand fell to his waist and R2 whistled worriedly when he saw Human Boy pull a blaster, pointing it at R2. Why would such a small, human child have a blaster?

Bad. This was bad.

The ship veered dangerously, the unexpected movement catching both of them by surprise, and Human Boy lost his balance, reaching out to catch himself on the wall with a yelp.

R2 rolled forward quickly, trying to knock the blaster out of the Human Boy's hand. Human Boy yelped and clutched at the blaster.

There was a sudden shudder around the ship and R2 let out a sharp whistle. Human Boy's face was suddenly very pale. "Are we getting shot at?"

The ship veered again and Human Boy fell against R2's frame, the blaster thankfully falling from his grip and to the ground.

Human Boy pushed away from R2 and started stumbling towards the cockpit as the ship veered again.

Not good. Very not good. Human Boy would not be happy to see Friend Obi-Wan and might react poorly, this would distract Friend Obi-Wan, and then they'd all get shot out of the sky.

R2 let his oil canister open and spill out onto the floor, and Human Boy yelped as he went down quickly.

R2 rolled around and engaged his electric prod, he didn't want to shock Human Boy, but he also didn't want to get blown out of the sky.

Human Boy snarled at him, but between the oil on the floor and the constant veering of the ship wasn't able to regain his feet.

A few minutes later there was a lurch that R2 recognized as being jumped into hyperspace. Human Boy pushed himself to his feet again and R2 beeped at him warningly.

There was the sounds of Friend Obi-Wan making his way back to the main area of the ship and R2 whistled worriedly. He didn't want Friend Obi-Wan to be mad at him. It wasn't _his_ fault that Human Boy had entered the ship.

Friend Obi-Wan let out a quiet sigh as he entered the room, taking it all in. R2 couldn't quite tell what the look on his face meant, and his data packets didn't have enough information for him to adequately analyze it.

"Force, I knew this was a bad idea."


	4. Obi-Wan tries to be a considerate thief

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More than half-way done with finals... here's my I-don't-feel-like-studying-anymore-tonight-and-I'll-deal-with-it-all-tomorrow chapter.

Obi-Wan ran a hand over his face, grimacing when he realized he had yet to clean the oil from his hand, which meant the oil was now probably smeared all over his face and was now congealing in his beard.

This whole mission—and could he even call this a mission anymore, if he was no longer a Jedi?—had been a steady spiral downhill.

Everything was a mess. And he didn't mean literally—though that was also the case. The oil R2 had spilled to try and distract and delay Boba had spread everywhere. The floor was a deathtrap, the walls had gotten a decent splatter, R2 had a nice layer of oil all over him, Boba was drenched in it, and Obi-Wan had been pretty well covered in the mess during Boba's rather energetic and enthusiastic attempts to murder him.

Hopefully Boba was off getting cleaned up, though Obi-Wan quietly doubted it. No, Boba was probably off planning more murder.

But still, if the mess had simply been literal, then Obi-Wan might have actually been pleased. But _no_. No, things were a mess because the Galaxy was on the brink of war and Obi-Wan had to find a way to stop it; because there may or may not be a Sith in the Senate, one that none of the Jedi seemed to know about; because Obi-Wan had left the Jedi Order, had left his _home_ and his _family, _to try and buy the Jedi and the Republic as much time as he could by becoming a criminal; and to top it all off, because he'd accidentally kidnapped a _child,_ not just any child, he'd kidnapped a bounty hunter's son.

And he could not emphasize this enough: Accidentally.

Being killed by a bounty hunter for _accidentally_ kidnapping said bounty hunter's son, would make it very difficult to deal with everything else that needed dealing with. Which meant he'd have to do something to convince Fett that murder was not the right option, or at least that murdering Obi-Wan could wait a short while until Obi-Wan had gotten everything done. 

Fett could murder him _after_ he'd dealt with everything else. After all, it'd been an accident? Couldn't that get Obi-Wan at least a little bit of leeway? That was reasonable, right?

Though for some reason he doubted that Fett would care in the slightest that the kidnapping had genuinely been an accident.

Especially given that the only reason it had happened at all was because Obi-Wan had been stealing the man's ship at the time. That really didn’t help his case.

_Force_, Obi-Wan had kidnapped a _child_.

He was pretty sure there was something ironic about that, Jedi were often called baby-stealers by the uninformed and the conspiracy theorists, and only _now_ when he wasn’t a Jedi anymore, had he actually participated in a kidnapping.

Reassuring _himself_ that this was all forgivable because it had been an accident and he was going to rectify it as soon as he could wasn’t working; which only solidified his certainty that the reasoning wouldn’t work on Fett, either.

Obi-Wan had never wanted to become a criminal, but he was fairly certain that if he had ever given any thought to the matter this was not how it would have gone.

This was a terrible start to his criminal career.

Though, he really did need to commend Fett. He'd taught his son well. The moment Boba had seen him, Boba had attacked. Ignoring the way he'd slipped haphazardly in the oil, Boba had lunged forward and pulled out a dagger the boy had been carrying on his belt.

And really, what kind of ten year old carried around a dagger?

From a skill perspective, Obi-Wan could appreciate the speed at which Boba had moved, could appreciate the way that Boba had managed a decent stab despite slipping through the oil, could appreciate that the draw from his belt had been practiced and quick.

The boy was obviously very talented.

Still, it hadn't been difficult to disarm the boy and stop him from stabbing Obi-Wan through the heart.

Boba had been uninterested in listening to Obi-Wan's attempts to explain and had only tried to kill him again, not that Obi-Wan could particularly blame him for that. At Boba's age, Obi-Wan was pretty sure he wouldn't have been all that interested in listening to someone who'd kidnapped him either.

It had been four or five minutes of constant attacks that Obi-Wan carefully evaded, careful to not hurt the boy before Boba had stormed away and into one of the rooms on the ship.

Obi-Wan had let him go, silently impressed with the boy's skill and persistence. It had been a while since he had seen someone try to use a datapad as a deadly weapon, but Boba had put in a remarkably good effort.

Fett had obviously taught him often and well.

R2 beeped at him, pulling him out of his thoughts.

R2 pushed the datapad that Boba had used earlier to try to kill him closer to where Obi-Wan was sitting, a thin film of oil on it. Obi-Wan tried to wipe it off with his robe so he could better see the data screen but was only partially successful, leaving a smear behind. "Did you download the information you gathered from the Command Center onto it?"

R2 gave a pleased whistle and Obi-Wan nodded. "Thank you, R2." R2 beeped and then connected himself to the data system, whistling again to get Obi-Wan's attention.

Obi-Wan glanced at the translation screen to see R2's question. He sighed. "Well, I don't think it a good idea to remain on this stolen ship, that is doubly true now that we've managed to kidnap Fett's son. We're headed to a relatively close planet. We're going to need a new ship."

R2 whistled again. Obi-Wan frowned at the question. "Ryloth." He had considered going to Tatooine, that was where Anakin had last been according to R4, and while hopefully Anakin and Padme had left for Coruscant, Obi-Wan didn't want to risk going there if they hadn't yet. Obi-Wan didn't want to risk his padawan trying to throw away his future to follow Obi-Wan on a reckless, foolish endeavor with little chance of success.

R2 gave an acknowledgment and Obi-Wan nodded. "As soon as I get all of this cleaned up I'm going to start going through the data. If you don't mind, I would appreciate your help in doing so as well."

R2 beeped cheerfully, and Obi-Wan took that as an agreement.

Obi-Wan looked up when he heard the sound of footsteps. It was Boba again and the boy was wearing a scowl on his face. Boba had changed out of his oily clothes and had apparently tried to wash off the rest of the oil, although he'd missed a bit of oil on his cheek and in his hair.

But he was cleaner than Obi-Wan was, in any case.

"Where are you taking me?"

Obi-Wan tilted his head. "We're headed to Ryloth, it's only a single hyperspace jump away, less than half a day's journey. I'm sure your Father is already in the process of tracking us, I imagine he'll be less than a few hours behind, you'll be more than safe in the ship when he gets to you."

"He's going to kill you." Boba sounded incredibly satisfied by that fact.

Obi-Wan didn't doubt that Fett was going to try. "I'll keep that in mind." He kept his voice blasé, turning back to look at the mess so he could figure out how to best get it cleaned.

Bad enough to steal a ship and a son, it would be rather rude to leave it such a mess.

"He is." Boba said again, this time sounding frustrated, likely at the way Obi-Wan had brushed the threat off. "He's going to kill you."

Obi-Wan met the boy's eyes. "I believe you."

Boba nodded, once again satisfied, and stormed off again.

Obi-Wan felt a hint of amusement before moving himself to start going through the ship. In normal situations he would try to stay out of Fett's things as much as he could—well, in normal situations he wouldn't have stolen a ship, much less Fett's ship, to start with—but he needed to find something to soak up the oil before he tried to clean the remnants of it. Being Anakin's master had meant that he'd gotten quite used to finding oil and grease everywhere from different projects Anakin had decided needed to be done in the common room of their shared living space, and had gotten equally as used to having to clean up after said messes.

Though he didn't think Anakin had ever made _quite _this much of a mess.

He went through a couple of storage containers. Weapons, weapons, more weapons. A few things that weren't weapons but also weren't helpful.

He moved on.

He found a small kitchenette and started opening cupboards.

He was a little surprised to find that it was actually well stocked. For some reason he never would have thought of Fett as someone who cooked. He narrowed his eyes and shifted a container of seasonings to the left. There was a small vibroblade hidden behind the seasonings. He laughed a little to himself, for no other reason than it was ridiculous but also completely in line with what he would have expected of a bounty hunter.

He moved to the small sink and sonic combo.

Boba found him as Obi-Wan was grabbing what looked like cleaning detergent, he really should have checked under the sink first. It was where he kept the cleaning supplies in his room back at the Temple.

"What are you doing?" Boba demanded, practically bristling.

"I'm trying to find what I need to clean the oil mess." Obi-Wan answered, watching Boba from the corner of his eye as he found a towel and a sponge. "I don't suppose you and your Father ever owned a Tooka? Tooka litter can be effective at soaking up excess oil."

Boba blinked at him several times, looking faintly bewildered. "No. We've never had a Tooka."

"A shame." Obi-Wan muttered.

"I brought you food." Obi-Wan looked up as Boba threw a ration bar at him.

Obi-Wan caught it and stared down at it for a moment, and felt a smile tugging at his lips. "Thank you, Boba. But I'm afraid poison works far better when the person you are attempting to poison doesn't know that you want them dead."

Boba pouted.

"You did an excellent job of injecting the poison without obvious tampering, though." Obi-Wan encouraged him.

Boba stormed away again, passing R2 as he went. Obi-Wan chuckled quietly under his breath. Oh, Boba really was quite young, wasn't he? The poisoning attempt was almost adorable.

R2 beeped something that sounded inquisitive. Obi-Wan held up the cleaning supplies in question and R2's dome went back and forth in an approximation of a head shake. He held up the ration bar next, and R2 gave what Obi-Wan had decided was an affirmative.

"Oh, I'm fairly certain that Boba is going to try and kill me as many chances he gets until we split ways. There was almost zero chance that Boba would give me food out of the goodness of his heart." He considered it for another moment. "Well, he might now, if only to try and lure me into a false sense of security. Fortunately our journey is short enough that I'll have no need of either sleep or food." Although the Geonosians hadn't fed him during his stay with them, and captivity hadn't been the most optimal place for getting sleep, so he really would, at some point, need to get some sleep and food, but it wasn't a priority right now. "You have to admire the boy's determination."

Obi-Wan had never seen an astromech manage to portray skepticism quite so well—at least, he thought that was what R2 was trying to convey.

Moving on. "Do you have any ideas for what I can use to soak up the oil?"

R2 gave a confused sounding whistle and Obi-Wan went back through looking through the cabinets. Flour. Not the best thing for soaking up oil. But it could work.

He stared at the flour for a second longer, his mind a little caught up on the fact that _Fett_ had _flour_ in the kitchen on his ship. Flour, seasonings, and was that a mixer back there? Did Fett know how to cook? Did he bake?

He shook his head, that _really_ wasn't important right now. 

Maybe he was a little more exhausted than he had thought.

He moved back into the main room, and grimaced as he saw the mess again.

Carefully he started spreading the flour on the ship floor. He was fairly certain you were supposed to leave it overnight to soak in the oil, but he didn't exactly have that sort of time, so he'd see what they could do with a few hours.

He finished spreading the flour quickly, then mixed the soap he'd found in the small kitchenette with water into a paste, carefully applying it to the where the oil had splashed on the walls. It was a good enough test sample to see if this mix would work once he got around to sweeping up the oily flour and needed to clean the floor.

A bit of scrubbing—and it was not a good sign how exhausted it left him— and the walls were looking less of a disaster. It should work well enough on the floor as well.

He looked around. Well, it was still a mess, in fact it was honestly _more_ of a mess right now, but at least it was a mess that was in the process of being cleaned.

He reached for the datapad R2 had pushed towards him earlier, trying to once again wipe the oil stain off of it from where Boba had grabbed it during his murder attempt.

There was no point in putting off the research any longer, even if there was a part of him that was—rightly so—terrified of just what he might find.

There were dozens upon dozens of files that R2 had downloaded for him, and they didn't appear to be organized in any sort of rational way. So he started with the first file on the list, keeping a spare file open so he could make notes of anything that might be even the slightest bit useful. There were coordinates for what appeared to be more droid foundry locations; weapon plans, some of which sounded rather ingenious—an extremely overpowered ion cannon did _not_ sound like something Obi-Wan would want to meet in space—and all of them terrifyingly deadly; mentions of different leaders, most of whom Obi-Wan had never heard of; and other small tidbits.

R2 had managed to gather quite a bit of information in their brief foray into slicing, far more than Obi-Wan had expected. When this was all over, if they survived, Obi-Wan really needed to do something nice for the astromech.

He flipped to the next file, and began perusing it. Plans for a kyber based weapon, he didn't think he'd ever heard of kyber crystals used in weapons that weren't lightsabers. He frowned. Surely that wasn't right. He flicked back up to the beginning to re-read the information, trying to make sure that he wasn't misunderstanding the plans.

He had to read the information three more times before he was sure he wasn't misinterpreting the plans and the terrible truth of it sunk into his brain.

He dropped the datapad into his lap and buried his face in his hands.

Force. _Force_. They were researching how to create a planet killer.

This. This was—

Obi-Wan couldn't even _contemplate_ this.

They weren't just preparing for war. This was somehow far, far worse than that.

There was a burst of excited glee and then the Force shrieked in warning. He jerked to the left, hand coming up and catching the hilt of the dagger that had been thrown at him. He looked between Boba and the dagger, and give an appreciative nod. "That was an excellent throw." A blade to the chest would have certainly been an uncomfortable way to die. "And you're quite light on your feet." He forced an encouraging smile despite the fact that most of his mind was still stuck on the information he'd read on the datapad that had fallen to the floor in front of him.

Boba was scowling. "I missed."

Obi-Wan shrugged a little. "You get too excited before you act, it radiates through the Force, anyone paying the slightest bit of attention will realize you're up to something."

Boba huffed a deep breath, storming away again. Obi-Wan wondered with faint curiosity what weapon he'd come back with next.

It showed remarkable restraint on Boba's part that so far he'd gone for less destructive weapons. But a blaster would leave marks on the ship, and the boy was probably trying to avoid that.

Obi-Wan waited until Boba was gone before picking the datapad back up.

"This is so much worse than anything I could have imagined, R2. I don't know if this is something we can stop."

R2 disconnected from where he was plugged into a computer port of the ship, before rolling over to Obi-Wan, moving around the flour still on the ground; Obi-Wan wondered faintly what he had been getting up to. R2 whistled curiously.

"They're creating a planet killer." He shook his head. "A weapon like that... they don't plan on trying to build something like that as a _deterrent. _No. This is something they're going to actively _use_." He felt faintly nauseous, which wasn't a good combination with the cracked ribs and lack of food the Geonosians had already caused. "A death star. They have plans to build something called a death star and it will have the ability to destroy entire planets if they can manage to get the research to work in practice."

R2 whistled sharply, rolling back in forth in what looked like agitation.

"It would take years." That was the only bit of mercy in the whole thing. "Decades if we've got any sort of luck. If we're _really_ fortunate, they'll never be able to bring it past the theoretical conception into reality." He scoffed. "But we don't have that sort of luck." He took a deep breath, searching for the calm a Jedi Knight was supposed to have. Not that the rank still applied to him. "But this is still theoretical, for now at least, most of the weapon plans I've found are actual problems here and now."

R2 gave another worried little whistle. Or maybe Obi-Wan was just projecting his own worries onto the droid. He really needed to learn binary.

He sighed quietly, shoulders slumping. "I'm not sure what to do." Obi-Wan whispered. "Destroying droid foundries isn't enough. It's not a plan at all, not really."

He looked back at the plans for a station that would destroy planets.

"This isn't war." He shook his head. "This is more than that." His mind replayed Dooku's words about there being a Sith Lord in the Senate. This seemed _exactly_ like the sort of thing a Sith would create. Except he'd found it in the Separatist's databases. But then hadn't he already wondered if Dooku was working with the Sith, rather than against them? What if Obi-Wan had been right about that? But for what purpose? Surely the Sith didn't want to destroy the galaxy just for the sake of destroying the galaxy? Surely no one was _that_ pointlessly cruel. He was starting to feel like a conspiracy theorist. But if he was right? "We need to figure out who's behind this." 

Now if only that could be easy. 

He put down the datapad and went to see if he could find a broom or something similar. Maybe cleaning up the oil-soaked flour would help him clear his mind.


	5. R2 despairs over illogical organics

R2 was 92 percent certain that Friend Obi-wan was not responding to the consistent attempts on his life in the appropriate way.

"Your form is excellent, and if you have the faster set of reflexes you'd likely be quite successful." Friend Obi-Wan slid the vibroblade into his belt and Vicious Child—a designation that R2 felt fit the small child better than his earlier designation of Human Boy—glared at Friend Obi-Wan, folding his arms in what R2 had decided was petulance. "Unfortunately, if your opponent is faster than you, you'll need to either be more creative or get closer before attacking."

Yes, R2 was 92 percent certain that Friend Obi-Wan should not be giving Vicious Child tips on how to better kill him. This seemed rather counter-intuitive.

Vicious Child behaved in what had become his standard action response and stormed off to the back of the ship.

Friend Obi-Wan watched him go, before shaking his head, huffing a small laugh as he once again dropped to his knees, dirty rag in hand/

Friend Obi-Wan had already scrubbed away the oil that had splattered onto the walls and had swept up the flour he'd laid out earlier; he was now scrubbing at the floor with a mix of detergent and hot water. This was another thing that R2 found slightly odd. Friend Obi-Wan seemed determined to clean up the mess that R2 and Boba had made.

And not just cleaning up the excess, which was only polite. He was _scrubbing_.

Firespray gave R2 a small shock where R2 was hooked into her systems so they could talk, making his circuits short out for .0052 seconds. She quite appreciated that Strange!Interloper, as she called Friend Obi-Wan, was cleaning up the mess. She didn't want oil tracked everywhere, thank you very much.

Friend Obi-Wan was making a strange noise as he scrubbed, there were no words, just a sort of vibrating sound that went up and down in pitch. R2 was fairly certain it was a good sound though, because Friend Obi-Wan was smiling a little, which R2 thought was good. Friend Obi-Wan had been quite distressed by everything R2 had managed to slice from Evil Dooku's systems.

R2 twisted his dome at a sound from the hallways and saw Vicious Child sneaking towards them again. He let out a warning whistle just as Vicious Child threw _another_ sharp object.

Friend Obi-Wan twisted, and R2 wasn't sure his vision receptors had worked right. Friend Obi-Wan had just _flicked_ the small towel he'd been holding, intercepting the flying blade and somehow sending it into a corner.

Vicious Child's mouth fell open. "How did you _do _that?" Vicious Child sounded impressed, which was only right, because Friend Obi-Wan, R2 decided, was indeed somewhat impressive… for an organic, anyways.

Friend Obi-Wan just smiled and shrugged. "Oh, just got lucky."

Vicious Child made the corners of his mouth go down, eyes widening. R2 was fairly sure this was the standard definition of a pout.

Friend Obi-Wan sighed. "If you come here, I'll show you."

Vicious Child jumped forward cheerfully, heedless of the fact that he was walking through an area of the floor that Friend Obi-Wan had already cleaned.

How rude.

Friend Obi-Wan either didn’t notice—organics were sometimes very unobservant so this seemed possible—or didn’t care, and since Friend Obi-Wan had reacted illogically to most everything else, R2 could only determine that this option was _equally_ plausible.

Friend Obi-Wan was reaching for a second rag to give to Vicious Child as he demonstrated the flick that he’d used to deflect the blade Vicious Child had thrown at him.

R2 mournfully told Firespray that he didn't understand at all.

Firespray actually seemed equally confused. Fierce!Owner often taught Young!Owner how to fight, but this was not what she'd call normal. While she did not want Young!Owner hurt, and was very glad that Strange!Interloper and R2 had not done so, she was also fairly certain, based on her observation of Fierce!Owner, that one was not supposed to encourage attempted murder.

Fierce!Owner, Firespray informed him, was very good at murdering people who attempted to murder him.

R2 thought that perhaps Friend Obi-Wan should not be giving lessons, but taking them, in sane-and-reasonable-actions-for-organics.

Friend Obi-Wan was showing Vicious Child how to properly hold the towel, quietly explaining how to properly move his wrist. "Really, most of it's in the timing. You need to catch the blade at the right point. But here, try the flick."

Vicious Child moved his wrist sharply, and the towel sort of flopped around. Friend Obi-Wan moved closer, showing Vicious Child what he was doing wrong.

"You need a bit of spin to it."

"Like this?" Vicious Child asked, and his next flick was a little less of a flop than the earlier attempts.

R2 turned back to Firespray. He didn't understand this _at all_.

Firespray thought it was actually kind of cute, and asked R2 to send her a file of the interaction so she could save it. Young!Owner seemed to be enjoying himself, and it was a strange, but possibly useful talent that Fierce!Owner might like to have record of.

R2 liked Firespray too much to deny her, and carefully recorded the interaction until Vicious Child left, taking the extra rag with him and leaving Friend Obi-Wan to go back to cleaning, and the strange vibrating sound. R2 sent the file to Firespray and she thanked him.

Not long later Friend Obi-Wan stood, and his back made a strange cracking sound. R2 whistled worriedly, was Friend Obi-Wan's back damaged? R2 needed to know if Friend Obi-Wan wasn't at full operating strength before they went on any more adventures.

Friend Obi-Wan didn't understand, and instead just turned to look at R2 “This is as clean as I’m going to get it, and we're about to come out of hyperspace. Could you try to keep Boba from killing me while I get us landed?"

R2 whistled his agreement with this request. His observation of the behaviors exhibited by Vicious Child the past few hours indicated that there would likely be around fifteen minutes before Vicious Child made his next murder attempt, not that R2 would lower his guard. Vicious Child was both wily and exceptionally determined.

That was okay, R2 was also wily and exceptionally determined.

Not long later R2 felt the ship move out of hyperspace and into real space. Unsurprisingly, Vicious Child did as well and came sneaking back into the main area of the ship. R2 placed himself firmly in front of the small hallway that led to the cockpit.

Vicious Child crossed his arms. "Are we there yet?"

R2 politely asked Vicious Child, only a few of his favorite binary swears included, if it felt like they had landed yet.

Vicious Child frowned. "No, it doesn't. Are we in atmosphere?"

R2 couldn't help the beep at surprise that Vicious Child understood binary.

Vicious Child looked far more viciously pleased than R2 thought a human child of his age was supposed to be able to look. "Buir taught me." Vicious Child looked past him, craning his neck as though he'd be able to catch sight of Friend Obi-Wan.

R2 informed Vicious Child—and this time R2 reluctantly kept any swearing out of his vocabulary, he was fairly certain that one was not supposed to use such language around young organics—that there was no way that R2 would let him murder Friend Obi-Wan.

“I wasn't going to try."

Vicious Child was not a good liar and R2 informed him as much.

Vicious Child pouted.

R2 very firmly told him that the strange nature older organics had to such antics did not work on R2.

Still, R2 didn't want to have to poke Vicious Child with his electric prod, and he only had one more oil canister left, and he didn't think Friend Obi-Wan would be happy if R2 made _another_ oil spill that Friend Obi-Wan would have to clean up. So he thought it was better to distract Vicious Child.

The way Vicious Child had tried to electrocute Friend Obi-Wan with a comm link had been rather ingenious, if still ineffective.

Vicious Child blinked at him, frowning. "I learned to do that when I was _seven_." Vicious Child informed him, smile getting big and voice adopting a tone that R2 couldn’t quite register. Proud? Smug? One of those organic notes that R2 often registered as them attempting to prove their superiority. It was less annoying on Vicious Child then R2 normally found it.

R2 thought this seemed an odd choice of education for a seven year old. But Vicious Child was suitably distracted explaining how he'd done it, and then even further distracted explaining how the first time he'd tried to do it and how he'd set a couch on fire.

Vicious Child might be vicious, but still a child.

R2 didn't think Vicious Child's Father would be as easily distracted.

Not long later the soft bump of the ship landing brought Vicious Child up short, both Vicious Child and R2 were silent as they listened to Friend Obi-Wan finish landing before his steps could be heard coming out of the cockpit. R2 whistled cheerfully. They’d made it. He turned back to begin his goodbyes and watched as Vicious Child took a deep breath and pulled a blaster out from behind him, pointing it at where Friend Obi-Wan would be coming down the short hallway.

R2 whirled frantically. Not good. Not good. He rolled forward, whistling out a warning to Obi-Wan as he went as he tried to stop Vicious Child from using his blaster.

R2 was going to be too late, he reflected sadly as his sensors picked up the tell-tale whinging sound of a blaster firing.

Exactly .059 seconds later the blaster went flying through the air. R2 twisted his dome to see that Friend Obi-Wan was apparently unhurt and was now holding the blaster in his hand, looking just as unperturbed at the attempt as he had at all the other attempts.

"I must thank you for waiting to pull out a blaster until after we'd landed." Friend Obi-Wan told Vicious Child calmly. "While your ship seems remarkably sturdy, it's always a risk using high-damage weapons in a ship in flight.”

Vicious Child just scowled, though R2's data packets indicated that his sensors had picked up an emotion that seemed similar to relief, in the way the stress lines around Vicious Child's eyes disappeared, and the scowl had what looked like the edges of a smile.

How odd.

"I'm not tall enough to pilot the ship on my own, or I'd have shot you earlier." Vicious Child informed Friend Obi-Wan.

Friend Obi-Wan accepted that. "A wise decision. It's always good to know one's limitations."

That didn't make any sense to R2, because Vicious Child had still been trying to kill Friend Obi-Wan, and Friend Obi-Wan would have been just as dead and Vicious Child still just as short if any of _those _murder attempts had worked out.

But that was typical for the average organic’s logic, even if R2 had thought that both Vicious Child and Friend Obi-Wan were better than that. Or maybe they both realized their logic was faulty and it was just one of those strange organic interactions that never seemed to serve a purpose.

Either way, Friend Obi-Wan was still responding incorrectly to attempted murder, and R2 wearily informed Friend Obi-Wan of such. Friend Obi-Wan didn't understand of course, but Vicious Child let out an abrupt laugh, covering his mouth with his hands.

Friend Obi-Wan looked between the two of them for a moment, but didn't ask for a translation. "I've turned on your ship homing beacon, while I imagine your father already had a way of tracking his ship, and no doubt realized that Ryloth was our destination, that should help narrow down the signal." Friend Obi-Wan was carefully stowing away the datapad and giving his discarded robe a skeptical look, it was rather messy now, with oil stains all over it. Finally Friend Obi-Wan seemed to decide he didn't care, as he put it on anyways. "I apologize again for accidentally kidnapping you and any distress that might have caused."

"I wasn't distressed." Vicious Child muttered.

Friend Obi-Wan nodded, a hint of a smile on his face as he turned to R2. "That's everything, yes? Are you ready to go?"

R2 gave his agreement, before giving a quiet whistle goodbye to the very beautiful ship that had hosted them.

"Wait." Vicious Child looked upset, and R2 couldn't imagine why. They only thing they were taking from the ship was the data pad Vicious Child had tried to use as a murder instrument, and R2 thought that was more than fair. "You're just _leaving_ me."

Friend Obi-Wan seemed genuinely startled by Vicious Child's outburst. "You'll be quite safe in the ship, especially if you lock it up after we leave. We’re on the outskirts of the nearest town, and I took a look at your security. It really is _quite_ proficient. Your father can't be any more than a few hours behind." This was very true. R2 was quite certain that Firespray wouldn’t let anyone into the ship while Vicious Child was there alone.

Vicious Child didn't seem pleased. "That's child abandonment."

Friend Obi-Wan just blinked several times. "Given I'm already guilty of abduction of a child, I don't know that abandonment of a child is going to make much of a difference." Vicious Child employed his use of the pout, which for some reason had proven to be very effective on Friend Obi-Wan in the past few hours. Friend Obi-Wan sighed. "I understand it would give you great pleasure if I waited here for your father to kill me, but I'm afraid I have far too much to do before that can happen."

Vicious Child just pouted further. “You have to take me with you. You can’t just _leave_ me here.”

R2 had no problem informing Vicious Child that indeed they _could_ just leave him here, and that Firespray would take good care of him.

Vicious Child glared at him, before turning his pout back on Friend Obi-Wan.

“And why should I bring you with me?” Friend Obi-Wan asked, instead of informing Vicious Child that under no circumstances was Vicious Child coming with them like he _should_ have done.

Vicious Child folded his arms. “So my buir can track me and then kill you when he finds me.”

Friend Obi-Wan rubbed at his face, and R2 noted that some of the oil must have still been on his hands, because it was now in Friend Obi-Wan’s face hair.

"I applaud your determination to see me dead, have you considered instead that you stay here and then you and your father can track me together?" Friend Obi-Wan suggested. "It can be a bonding activity."

This still seemed like a not good idea to R2, but perhaps at least slightly preferable to Vicious Child’s plan.

Vicious Child seemed to consider the suggestion, before shaking his head. “No. I’m coming with you.”

“Boba.” Friend Obi-Wan started.

“Please.” Vicious Child’s voice wobbled, and R2 couldn’t quite determine whether it was genuine or not.

Friend Obi-Wan sighed. "Very well then, it's not like I can force you to stay on the ship. Though I heavily encourage it." Vicious Child shook his head and Friend Obi-Wan sighed _again_, and he looked very tired. "R2, let's go shopping for a ship."

R2 whistled his agreement, even as he made sure to carefully store the entire interaction in his data packets for further evaluation, but he was fairly certain that this, like most of what he'd observed from Friend Obi-Wan's and Vicious Child's behavior would be considered illogical even with further study.

Being an organic seemed a tiresome, confusing way of life. R2 was very, very grateful he was a droid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy March!
> 
> May the Force be With You!


	6. Obi-Wan manages not to die immediately

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obi-Wan ends his tenure as accidental kidnapper.

Obi-Wan stared tiredly at where Boba was standing, pack over one shoulder and yet another blaster holstered to his leg. The weapon looked big and cumbersome against such a small leg.

At least Boba wasn't shooting right now. Obi-Wan had only narrowly avoided the shot from earlier before he'd been able to pull the blaster from Boba's hand.

He missed his lightsaber, but his trusted weapon was somewhere back on Geonosis, still in Dooku's possession. He had to stop himself from scowling at the thought.

"May I ask what you're doing?"

Boba stuck out his chin defiantly, holding up a tracking unit. “I already told you. I’m coming with you so my Buir can track me and then kill you."

Obi-Wan sighed, he was growing strangely fond of the boy, despite his repeated attempts on Obi-Wan's life. He reminded Obi-Wan of Anakin when Anakin had been younger. The murder attempts were certainly new, but the staunch determination and stubborn nature were very familiar.

As Boba had pointed out, Jango Fett was undoubtedly going to want to kill him.

Obi-Wan had far too much to do. He simply didn't have time for that.

“Is there a need for all of this?” He waved a hand to the pack on Boba’s back, the blaster on his leg, and the other weapons he could see. “Your father should be here relatively soon. I don’t imagine we’ll be able to find much trouble between now and then.”

Boba just crossed his arms and glared up at him mulishly.

Obi-Wan just sighed, before turning to leave the ship. “All right then.”

Ryloth did not have very many options available for him, Obi-Wan noted absently as he swept through the ship yard, though in all honesty, it more closely resembled a junk yard. He closed his eyes and let the Force guide him as he looked around the ship yard.

"How much for the VCX-100?" Obi-Wan asked the twi'lek in charge.

The twi'lek gave him an appraising look, probably trying to determine just how much he'd be able to squeeze out of Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow, keeping his face neutral. He didn't exactly have a great deal of money on him, but it was unlikely that the Jedi would have closed his account yet. Since he was no longer a Jedi, it would be considered theft to use those funds, but technically he had already caused massive property damage, stolen a ship, and kidnapped a child, a little more theft was practically not worth mentioning at this point.

Speaking of said kidnapped child, Boba was staring at the ship Obi-Wan had chosen with a skeptical look on his face.

Obi-Wan didn't blame him, the ship certainly didn't look space worthy.

The twi'lek gave a price in the high hundred thousands and Obi-Wan turned his attention back to the man. "Really?" He gave the ship another look. "You have got to be joking."

The twi'lek crossed his arms. "You want to get off this planet, you're gonna pay my prices."

Obi-Wan snorted. "I'm not nearly that desperate, I have access to a ship right now. How do you think I got _on _this planet." Not that he intended to take Fett’s ship any further than he already had.

He supposed, if worst came to worst he could wait for Fett to land and then steal whatever ship Fett had brought with him. Though, if he were Fett, he’d probably have a way to explode whatever ship he’d brought just in case Obi-Wan did exactly that.

So definitely a worst-case scenario option.

"Then what were you looking for a ship for?"

Obi-Wan snorted. "I was thinking of expanding. But at those sort of prices, it's not worth my while." He turned to go.

The twi'lek let Obi-Wan get almost to the exit before caving. "And what price would you give for the ship."

Obi-Wan didn't smile when he turned back around. "Well, if you're willing to negotiate." The next half an hour consisted of vehement arguing and a detailed overview of the ship where Obi-Wan pointed out every weakness he could find while the owner drew his attention to it's capabilities, until they gradually got the ship down to a reasonable price. Obi-Wan carefully accessed his Jedi account, thankful to see that the credits he'd been allotted for his mission to protect the Senator still available. He transferred the credits over, nodding to the ship yard owner. "A pleasure."

The twi'lek nodded, looking pleased enough at the exchange.

Obi-Wan boarded the ship again, R2 and Boba following him on. "We're going to take the ship to one of the spaceports and then I'll go find some supplies in a market." He glanced at Boba. "You can stay here or join me."

Boba narrowed his eyes at him. "I'll go with you, so you can't escape."

Obi-Wan nodded seriously, it had been nothing less than he'd expected, in fact, he'd rather been planning on it. "Of course." He turned to R2. "You'll stay with the ship."

R2 did not sound pleased, and Boba snorted a laugh at whatever R2 had said. Obi-Wan was starting to think that he had a significant gap in his knowledge, he really ought to brush up on his binary, but it’d been a long time since he’d needed the language.

He certainly hadn’t planned on acquiring a droid companion, but R2, it seemed, was a perpetual surprise. The droid had quite the reckless streak and was rather independent. The more Obi-Wan had thought about the situation, the less he thought Padme had sent R2 to help Obi-Wan and the more he thought R2 had made the decision to do that all by himself.

Obi-Wan hummed to himself at the thought, before gently nudging it to the back of his mind to percolate.

One thing at a time. Stop the Galaxy from falling into war now; when he'd managed that he could see if he still wanted to learn binary. If he survived this at all.

He got the ship settled in a spaceport easily enough and took a bit of time to look around the ship. He waited until Boba was distracted to turn to R2. "You flew the Naboo ship to Geonosis on your own, can you fly this one?"

R2 whistled what sounded like an agreement. "As soon as Boba and I are out of sight, I need you to take the ship and get it to the abandoned area outside of the ship yard, and then keep the ship ready for takeoff."

R2 whistled an affirmative and Obi-Wan nodded. "Thank you, my friend."

Obi-Wan straightened as Boba came back from where he'd been exploring the ship. "Also," he added quietly, "please give the ship a scan. Just in case Boba thought to leave something behind."

R2 gave another affirmative and Boba looked at them both suspiciously.

"Are you ready to go, Boba?" Obi-Wan asked. "I need some supplies."

Boba nodded. "You don't actually, my Buir's going to kill you first."

"Well, you're probably not wrong." He smiled at Boba. "But I need to stay optimistic."

Boba practically pouted, but then followed Obi-Wan off the ship and towards the nearest market. Obi-Wan was quick to buy what supplies he could, including a few different weapons. He might prefer his lightsaber, but he was at least decently proficient with a variety of weapons. A result of a very unusual apprenticeship, and also because Obi-Wan’s missions went wrong about as often as they went right and Obi-Wan's ability to adapt was one of the reasons he wasn't dead yet.

With his supplies in hand he checked his chrono.

They'd been on Ryloth for nearly three hours now and Obi-Wan was fairly sure that Jango Fett would be close behind them. Still, he apparently had time to spare so he bought both him and Boba some food from a stall.

Boba took it, grumbling the whole time, though he practically scarfed the food down. Obi-Wan had to hide a smile as he quickly ate his own food, he hadn't eaten since he'd left his ship on Geonosis and his body wasn't exactly pleased with him.

He really did wish that Boba had agreed to stay on Slave 1, he would have felt no guilt, or at least very little of it, leaving Boba there. Also, it would have been easy enough to leave R2 somewhere to keep watch while Obi-Wan got them a ship and supplies and then they could have waited until Fett showed up while nicely hidden somewhere it’d be hard for Fett to find and kill them.

He would, however, feel guilty about leaving the boy alone on Ryloth when he couldn't lock himself in his ship for protection. Now, Obi-Wan was going to be forced to cut things very close, because while Fett would very understandably want to kill him, Obi-Wan unfortunately had far too much to do to just let himself be killed.

Obi-Wan looked up when the Force whispered in warning.

Ah, so Fett was getting close. He reached out with the Force, trying to get a feel for when and from where Fett would come. He breathed slowly, adjusting his position.

"Well Boba." He smiled down at the boy. "It's been a sincere pleasure to meet you. I apologize again for having temporarily abducted you."

Boba looked at him, confused, before he seemed to understand what was about to happen and that confusion turned into surprise and betrayal. "Wait, you can't abandon me!"

Obi-Wan pointed to the left. "You'll see that I'm not." The moment he'd said the words he threw himself forward and to the right, darting into a neighboring alley, narrowly avoiding the three blaster bolts that had been aimed at him. He heard Boba's voice raise in excitement.

"Buir!"

Having successfully reunited father and son without immediately being killed, Obi-Wan wasn’t going to push his luck. Using the Force to speed his run, he made it to the end of the alley. He had to weave a little, avoiding the blaster bolts as several more shots were fired after him.

Dead end.

He sprung up onto the roof of the building in front of him, sparing one look back to see that Boba had truly been reunited with his father. Boba was clutching at his father, inadvertently slowing Fett's ability to chase Obi-Wan down. Obi-Wan crossed over three roofs before dropping into another alley.

There were no more shots fired at him, and Obi-Wan hoped that meant he'd officially lost Fett—he'd hoped the distraction of reuniting with his son would buy Obi-Wan a little time and also slow Fett in his chase, and Boba had been even more helpful in doing that than Obi-Wan had dared to hope.

He didn't slow his own pace though, making his way quickly through the small city back to the ship yard where he'd bought the ship.

It took almost thirty minutes, he'd chosen the spaceport on the other side of the city from the ship yard. Hopefully, if Fett had lost him and was still trying to kill him, Boba would lead his father to the spaceport, and Obi-Wan wanted to be far away from there.

He sighed when he made it to the ship yard, and there in the empty, abandoned lot he'd noted, was the ship he'd just bought.

He boarded quickly, closing the ship behind him. "R2, are you ready to go?"

R2 whistled in agreement, seemingly checking the space behind Obi-Wan to see if they were being chased. Obi-Wan let out a breath of relief as he made it to the cockpit, taking over control of the ship. "Let's get out of here, preferably before the angry bounty hunter catches up and tries to kill us.” Hopefully they’d lost the Fett’s for now, though Obi-Wan didn’t trust their luck in having lost them permanently.

R2 whistled and beeped in a way that sounded highly accusatory.

“This is _not_ my fault,” Obi-Wan pointed out. “You were the one who picked the bounty hunter’s ship in the first place. We would have been completely fine if we’d chosen the ship I wanted to steal.”

R2 whistled again, spinning his dome in a way that somehow seemed condescending, before trundling offin a manner that clearly meant that R2 was not going to be having this argument with him.

Obi-Wan snorted.

Well, it was time to go see if Obi-Wan could find some of those droid foundries that R2 had helped slice the locations for.

He had a war that needed preventing.

And he thought he might have a good idea—or far more likely a very, very _bad_ idea—for how to do that.

“R2, I’m going to need your help.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, admittedly not a lot happened this chapter... however, remember the warning that this story is going to be a little on the ridiculous and crack-y side? Yes? Well, that's going to come back full-throttle in the next chapter as we start in on Obi-Wan's idea...
> 
> Don't worry, the Fetts are not gone for good, they will be showing up, probably a whole lot sooner than Obi-Wan would like.


	7. R2 gains a title

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obi-Wan's terrible plan in action

R2 ran the data through his processors for a third time, calculating all of the possible scenarios based off of Friend Obi-Wan’s plan.

It was a bad plan.

He ran the data through his processors a fourth time.

A terrible plan.

R2’s calculations all indicated death was an incredibly likely consequence. And that was if they succeeded. Which, even taking into account R2’s high—but accurate—estimate of his own skills, had an unflatteringly high—88.97%!!!—chance of failure.

He ran the data through his processors for a fifth time.

Friend Obi-Wan clearly had a few wires loose. R2 filed that information with his quickly growing data packet dedicated to Friend Obi-Wan, simultaneously moving Friend Obi-Wan up the rankings of R2’s-favorite-organics-to-exist.

And yet R2 feared the terrible lack of logic that so plagued organics was perhaps transmissible, because R2 thought that he quite liked the plan.

A final analysis of the situation certified what R2 already know. Friend Obi-Wan was _crazy_ and absolutely wouldn’t survive without R2.

With that conclusion reached, and his data processing all in agreement, R2 highlighted some of the information on the datapad, offering a few minor tweaks. Friend Obi-Wan tilted his head as he looked at the modifications that R2 suggested.

“I see.” Friend Obi-Wan pursed his lip. “I am grateful for your insight, R2. I couldn’t do this without you.”

R2 agreed of course, and informed Friend Obi-Wan of just how lucky he was to have R2’s help.

Friend Obi-Wan chuckled, his comprehension of binary was still terribly lacking, but R2 was pleased that R2’s steady efforts at teaching Friend Obi-Wan were clearly starting to help Friend Obi-Wan improve at least slightly.

The two of them were absolutely going to pull this plan off. R2 was certain of it.

-_-

R2 let out a pleased whistle as he and Friend Obi-Wan made their way into the droid factory that R2 had discovered during his slicing.

They’d actually already been in here the night before in order to check the exact programming that the Separatists had used on the battle-droids and if it would work for Friend Obi-Wan’s plans.

It would definitely work, so long as R2 and Friend Obi-Wan were persuasive enough.

R2 was sure he could make up for any deficiencies in Friend Obi-Wan’s skills. R2 was, after all, very persuasive.

Friend Obi-Wan cleared his throat, and when that didn’t work, he cleared his throat again a little more pointedly and the two battle-droids that had been on guard finally noticed them. “Halt!”

R2 gave them a reproving whistle, because that was a highly inadequate reaction time, _clearly_ these droids would need help if they were going to truly be successful.

“Yes, hello there.” Friend Obi-Wan smiled at the two droids. “I’d like to speak to whichever droids are in charge here? The rest of you as well, if there’s enough space for it. I have an offer for you.”

The two battle-droids—B1 units, R2 noted in his obtain-army-for-maximum-galactic-upheaval files—didn’t seem to know how they were supposed to respond to Friend Obi-Wan’s greeting, their blasters pointed at Friend Obi-Wan in confusion.

“You have no clearance to be here.” One of the B1 droids finally decided, and his fellow droid seemed glad to let the first droid make the decision.

R2 pulled out his electro-prod threateningly, which only seemed to confuse the poor droids even more—R2 added a file for avoiding-incompetency-in-obtained-army to share with Friend Obi-Wan later—their blasters wavering from pointing at Friend Obi-Wan to pointing at R2.

“It’s a very good offer,” Obi-Wan continued, completely ignoring the bit about their lack of clearance. “Perhaps you can wait to decide whether to shoot us until after you’ve heard it?”

The two droids were practically dithering and R2 decided it was time to take control of the situation. He rolled forward, keeping his electro-prod out, and demanded that the two battle-droids take them to meet whichever droids were in charge here and that they gather all of the droids in the factory.

Some things just needed the touch of a fellow droid. The two B1 units hesitated a moment longer, but after a moment the B1 who’d denied them clearance caved. “Roger roger.”

R2 waited until they left to inform Friend Obi-Wan that his plans were the absolute worst and could they please steal a _different_ more competent army.

Friend Obi-Wan gave him a comforting pat on his dome. “It’s fine, R2. No one said they had to be _competent_.” Binary lessons were _clearly_ paying off. Either that or Friend Obi-Wan _also_ thought they were terribly incompetent.

And while R2 disagreed—why would _anyone_ want an incompetent army—this _was_ Friend Obi-Wan’s plan and R2 would help Friend Obi-Wan, even if just to ensure that Friend Obi-Wan didn’t get himself killed.

He and Friend Obi-Wan followed the two droids into the factory, waiting—patiently, in Friend Obi-Wan’s case, and with disapproval in R2’s because the inefficiency was awful and would be the first thing R2 fixed—for the droids to be gathered.

Once the droid leaders were gathered—the organic counterparts were a bit tied up at the moment, courtesy of R2’s and Friend Obi-Wan’s visit last night—Friend Obi-Wan stepped forward.

“I’ve been given to understand that you’re all preparing for a war against the Republic.”

One of the B2’s, a large, hulking gray droid that R2 thought could have potentially been intimidating if not for how confused the droid seemed—though the B2 units did, at least, seem less perennially anxious than the B1s—stepped forward. “You’re not a Separatist Leader.”

“No,” Friend Obi-Wan agreed. “I’m not.”

“You have no clearance to be here.” There were an awful lot of blasters pointed at them, R2 prepared his second and last oil canister for possible deployment.

“But nor am I with the Republic. I’m here as a…” Friend Obi-Wan paused for a moment, “an invested third-party, you could call it. And I’d like to acquire your services.”

The droids all froze at that, and R2 could tell that their processing units were struggling to understand what Friend Obi-Wan was offering, R2 rolled forward to clarify that Friend Obi-Wan wanted to hire them.

“We’re made to fight for the Separatists against the Republic.”

Friend Obi-Wan smiled. “Actually, your programming systems merely state that you’re to fight against the Republic, they never specify that you need to fight _for_ the Separatists. I’m here to offer an… alternative.” Friend Obi-Wan held up his datapad. “I have the terms of services right here. Fighting will be voluntary, for those who don’t want to fight, we will work to modify you so that you have access to your own coding. There are many avenues you could pursue, the Bounty Hunters guild is exceptionally tolerant when it comes to allowing droids work, R2 and I have compiled a list of other occupations that—”

“Farming?” A B1 droid asked, and the droid was shifting almost neurotically, _clearly_ someone hadn’t been careful with their programming. “Could we be farmers?”

Friend Obi-Wan seemed surprised by that. “Uh, yes. You could be farmers, if you’d like. As I said, the terms of service include the freedom to reprogram your own coding, though we ask that you give your word not to harm me or mine.”

The droids, it turned out, _were_ professional enough to not titter—which R2 was reluctantly impressed with, he hadn’t expected much from the group of them—but R2 could tell they were interested.

R2 rolled forward, reluctantly retracting his electro-prod—it wasn’t good form to threaten while negotiating, or so Friend Obi-Wan had said, even if R2, personally, was dubious—to add his own assurances. It always came better from another droid, there were some things that organics just didn’t understand or know how to convey.

After R2 finished, the droid leaders gathered together. Finally, the big B2 unit that had apparently been nominated spokes-droid stepped forward, and _really_, they were far too noisy when they moved, no stealth whatsoever, who was in charge of that poor design choice? “What are you hiring us _for_?”

Friend Obi-Wan smiled. “I’m going to take over the Republic, of course. I’d appreciate the help.”

-_-

They weren’t _really_ going to take over the Republic much to R2’s dismay. R2 thought that taking over the Republic would be a most excellent adventure.

No, they were just stealing the CIS army so that the CIS couldn’t _use_ said army.

They had seven foundries on their list and so far, one foundry down, it was—to both R2’s and Friend Obi-Wan’s surprise—a remarkable success.

With their newly acquired army, or partial army, they cleared the foundry of droids before destroying it so that the CIS couldn’t use it to attempt to re-build their army, stole the CIS droid ships and any extra fuel they could find, and took off for the second foundry.

To R2’s surprise things went even better there, the newer droids even more easily convinced than the first group, once their fellow battledroids spoke up in favor of the plan.

Friend Obi-Wan seemed even more surprised than R2 did. “Things _never_ go this well. Keep a sharp lookout, R2. I guarantee you, things are about to go wrong.”

Friend Obi-Wan was clearly wrong, as foundry three and four went just as well as the first two, and Obi-Wan officially declared R2 the Grand General of the Droid Army when one of the droids asked who their leader was.

R2 wondered if he could convince Obi-Wan to give him a proper oil bath after this. If he was going to be the Grand General of the Droid Army he wanted to look the part, that was a lesson that Mistress Padme had taught him.

Appearances were _important_.

A thought that made a sudden and sharp reoccurrence when, on their way to the sixth foundry, and hopefully the sixth addition to their army, R2 caught sight of _her_.

Firespray was back, and here R2 was, grimy and covered in dust.

R2 wondered if she’d be impressed with his promotion. She’d not been fond of the fact that he and Friend Obi-Wan were trying to save the Republic, but perhaps their rather convoluted plan, that involved stealing an army and _pretending_ they were going to take over the Republic would be more impressive.

A moment later his processing unit reminded him of a minor problem associated with Firespray’s presence.

The ship landed right in front of them and a heavily armored organic—presumably Vicious Child’s Father, who, if Vicious Child’s Father was anything like Vicious Child, would probably not stop trying to kill Friend Obi-Wan—launched himself from the barely descended ship ramp in an attack at Friend Obi-Wan.

Perhaps, R2 thought disappointedly as he prepared his electro-prod and oil canisters for deployment, Friend Obi-Wan had been right when he said that something was about to go wrong.

The presence of Vicious Child’s Father was a solid indication of _wrong_.

But not if R2 could help it!

R2 was now Grand General R2 and no one threatened Friend Obi-Wan on his watch! He sent out firm instructions to the four droids that were escorting them, and watched proudly as they all raised their blasters.

“Hold fire!” Friend Obi-Wan snapped out, pushing Vicious Child’s Father—or as R2 decided, Stubborn Hunter—backward with Friend Obi-Wan’s strange Force ability.

“Buir!” That would explain Friend Obi-Wan’s instruction to hold fire, R2 realized, as Vicious Child ran down the ship ramp and between Friend Obi-Wan and Stubborn Hunter. R2 seconded Friend Obi-Wan’s order, and the four droids slowly lowered their weapons. “You said you _weren’t_ going to kill him, yet.”

R2 wasn’t sure who was more surprised at that, Friend Obi-Wan or R2. But then Vicious Child was quite strange, and R2 had given up on understanding him.

“Well that would be a slightly alarming surprise,” Friend Obi-Wan muttered, backing up a little, hand still on his blaster. “I don’t think I want to know why Fett would want me alive, that seems inherently worse than being killed.”

R2 disagreed with that, but Friend Obi-Wan did not seem to appreciate that dead was a bad thing.

Stubborn Hunter removed his helmet and R2 noted that Stubborn Hunter and Vicious Child were definitely what organics considered a family unit, their faces looked disturbingly like one another. And how was a poor droid supposed to tell them apart! Organics looked annoyingly similar most of the time, not at all like droids.

“We’ve been tracking you,” Stubborn Hunter said slowly, in that same way Friend Obi-Wan did when he was doing his processing out loud.

“I assumed as much.”

“I got a tracker on you!” Vicious Child offered, and R2 recognized it as Vicious Child’s version of gleeful. “On the vibro-blade I threw at you and you stuck in your belt!”

R2 ran a scan on Friend Obi-Wan annoyed that he’d somehow missed that tracker earlier. Friend Obi-Wan muttered a few interesting swears under his breath that R2 immediately added to his favorite-words-to-use-when-dealing-with-fools file. “That was well done, Boba. Though I would suggest that next time such a situation arises, that you don’t mention the tracking until you’re positive you’ve accomplished your objective in doing the tracking, and probably not even then.” Friend Obi-Wan removed the vibro-blade in question, looking down at it for a moment before tossing it on the ground between them.

Stubborn Hunter let out a heavy sigh. “He was being serious. I had thought he was exaggerating. But you’re really as ridiculously idiotic and as foolish as Boba claimed.”

R2 let out a sharp whistled at that. Because Friend Obi-Wan was very much a ridiculous organic, but Stubborn Hunter was absolutely not allowed to say as much!

That was for R2 to say!

Vicious Child giggled.

Stubborn Hunter and Friend Obi-Wan both ignored them.

“As I said, we’ve been tracking you.”

Friend Obi-Wan rolled his eyes, giving R2 a look that seemed to be asking R2 to join his exasperation. R2 spun his dome in agreement. “As _I_ said. I assumed as much.”

“What, exactly, are you trying to _do_ with the army you’ve somehow collected.”

R2 rather firmly told Stubborn Hunter to mind his own business.

“You’ll find it _is_ my business,” Stubborn Hunter responded without missing a beat. Vicious Child _had_ said that Stubborn Hunter was the one that had taught him binary, so R2 shouldn’t have been quite as surprised as he was, but his processing units still took a half-second longer to realize Stubborn Hunter had understood and answered.

“We’re going to take over the Republic,” Friend Obi-Wan answered. R2 beeped in indignation, they weren’t going to give them answers! “Or at least that’s what you can tell your employers.”

R2 paused at that, and then conceded. They needed to spread the word _somehow_ and they couldn’t do that by attacking the Republic. Rumors were a good answer to that.

Stubborn Hunter narrowed his eyes. “Liar.”

Friend Obi-Wan didn’t react. “Desperate times call for desperate measures, I’ll do what needs doing.”

“Can I help?” Vicious Child looked far too excited at the prospect. R2 put him on the R2’s-favorite-organics-to-exist list, though he was at the bottom for now.

“No. You—”

Stubborn Hunter leaned backward a little, clearly processing information. “No, Boba’s right, we’re going to help you. Or rather, you’re going to help me.” Stubborn Hunter pointedly hefted his blaster a little. “You kidnapped my kid and now you’re going to make it up to me… or I’ll kill you. I have a proposition for you.”

Friend Obi-Wan sighed. “I have _such_ a bad feeling about this.”

R2 disagreed. Despite Stubborn Hunter’s threat—which hadn’t been a very good one if R2’s opinion was asked—R2 had a very good feeling about this. He could feel it in his circuits.


	8. Obi-Wan adapts his plans, and then adapts (or tries to) again

Obi-Wan had not planned on ending back on Fett’s ship anytime soon.

Yet here he was.

And really, after all that effort into getting a ship he wasn’t pleased with the fact that he was being forced to leave it behind for now. But apparently Fett thought that if Obi-Wan had his own ship he’d try and get away.

Which, all right, Fett maybe had a point. Obi-Wan was very busy right now and he didn’t have time for Fett and whatever he wanted.

He still had more droid foundries to find and convince to join his army. Still had to put together a manifesto of some sort to present to both Republic and Separatists. Something that would hold up politically, but built in with compromises he was willing to make so that he could be convinced to ‘concede’ once the imminent threat of war had passed and both governments remembered that there was such a thing as ‘diplomacy’ and ‘negotiations’. Which unfortunately everyone seemed to have forgotten.

But no, now he was being delayed by Fett.

He, R2, and their four escort droids had been ‘welcomed’ back onto Slave I.

Boba had been sent to do his homework and R2 had hooked back up to the ship to ‘talk’, which Obi-Wan found oddly endearing.

The four droids that had been escorting him and R2 were somewhat awkwardly settling in the cargo hold, which left Obi-Wan with Fett in the cockpit.

Obi-Wan _should_ probably ask what it was Fett wanted, but Obi-Wan was tired and he found it more productive to stare at the stars and mentally readjust his plans and begin re-composing the manifesto he planned to send to the Republic as Fett prepared them for hyperspace

Unfortunately, Fett didn’t seem inclined to waste time. “You stole my ship and kidnapped my kid. In any other circumstances even _one_ of those acts would be deserving of a blaster bolt through your throat.”

Obi-Wan turned a little, because yes, he was _well_ aware that was what Fett would like to do, but Obi-Wan didn’t have the time to waste on this. “Yes, well, either get on with it or get over it.”

Fett snorted, but Obi-Wan sensed a hint of amusement from the bounty hunter. “And most people would be smart enough not to be _quite_ so antagonistic.”

“Yes, well, I’m _very_ busy Fett.”

Fett turned in his seat, and the look he gave Obi-Wan was sharp and assessing. “Yes, I can see that. Six droid foundries in a month. I’m fairly certain I can account for every moment of your time, between traveling, recruiting your new army, and destroying the foundries behind you so that they can’t be put to work creating more armies since you’ve stolen theirs.”

Obi-Wan shrugged, he had said he was _busy_. “I take it you have a point to all this?”

Fett tilted his head, and Obi-Wan had no doubt that he was currently being judged. “What exactly is your plan when they start sending the clone army after you?”

Obi-Wan was still working on that part of the plan. “I haven’t figured out details.” He didn’t like the thought of senselessly murdering them because the Republic was being foolish. He could try and stun them and take them hostage, but he didn’t have the resources to _care_ for that many people. He could stun them and then send them back to the Republic, but that would just result in a never-ending cycle.

He was making things up as he went and inwardly despairing about that fact.

“Have you considered recruiting them?”

Obi-Wan _had_ actually. “I imagine they’d be much harder to convince then the droids, and even if I could convince them, there’s the problem that the Kaminoans would almost certainly report me to the Republic or the Jedi if I tried to steal their army.”

“Not if they don’t realize you’re no longer a Jedi. If you’re just there to pick up your army, and you happen to have the trusted progenitor there helping you.”

Obi-Wan frowned, the way Fett said it made it seem like Fett had been thinking about this for a while. “Is this your ‘proposition’ as you called it?” He leaned forward. “What do you get out of it?”

Fett scowled at him. “That’s _none_ of your concern.”

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. “You’re _making_ it my concern by pulling me into it.”

Fett leaned forward in a copy of Obi-Wan’s position, and he was practically right in Obi-Wan’s space now. “Listen, _Jetii_, you want to save your worthless Republic, anyone with _any_ sense can see that. Your methods are bizarre, yes, but they might just work, but only if you’re willing to go all the way. And right now, I’m willing to help you do that.” Fett’s voice was a low snarl. “Does it benefit me? I’m not a charity, so _obviously,_ it’ll be benefitting me. But you don’t need to know my personal motivations, are we clear?”

Obi-Wan had to put in effort to not roll his eyes. He refused to be intimidated by the bounty hunter, no matter how dangerous a man he was. “First, I’m not longer a Jedi, Fett. It’s the only reason I can do this. And second, if your _personal motivations_ start getting in the way of me protecting this Republic, then—”

“Don’t worry yourself, Kenobi. Fortunately for you, our motivations are aligned.”

For now, at least. Obi-Wan considered it a moment longer, but then decided that for now he’d let it be. Obi-Wan had worked with far more dubiously immoral characters than Fett before. And well, from a lot of perspectives, Obi-Wan probably looked dubiously immoral as well. He mentally flinched at the thought.

It was fine though, he told himself, his own reputation and perceived character was wholly secondary.

“What do you want from me, Fett?”

Fett stared a moment longer before nodding, apparently satisfied with whatever he saw, and leaning back in his chair again. “I want you to steal the clone army, I would have thought we’d made that clear.”

“And beyond that?”

Fett turned away from him to stare at the viewport. “I don’t really care beyond that. Do what you will.”

It was a lie, Obi-Wan was fairly certain of that. But also… _not_. Obi-Wan shook his head. Trying to understand Fett was likely a useless endeavor and not exactly a mystery that Obi-Wan thought he needed to prioritize trying to unravel right now.

He’d try and recruit the clone army to his cause, and then whether he failed or succeeded he and Fett would hopefully never cross paths again.

He didn’t think he could count on getting lucky twice, when it came to keeping Fett from wanting to kill him.

He stood, stretching. “I assume we’re headed to Kamino then?” he asked. Fett seemed the sort to assume he’d get what he wanted and just go forward with his plans regardless of getting an agreement.

“Yes.”

Obi-Wan nodded. “I’m going to be in your hold, speaking with R2 if you need me.”

Fett waved a hand at him in what was clear dismissal and Obi-Wan couldn’t quite stop himself from making a face at him.

He headed out of the cockpit and back to the main hold. R2 was still hooked up to the ship and the four other droids had temporarily shut themself down. Obi-Wan took a seat on the floor beside R2.

He might as well try to meditate while he waited for R2 to be ready to talk.

Of course, the moment he closed his eyes and started settling into something resembling peaceful meditation, the Force niggled at him that he was being watched.

Even with the warning, Obi-Wan was hard pressed not to flinch back when he opened his eyes to find Boba three inches away.

“Is there something I can do for you, Boba?”

“What were you doing?” Boba asked, and the keen look in his eyes warned Obi-Wan that this wasn’t just idle curiosity.

“I was meditating.”

Boba nodded and then immediately dismissed it. “I almost poked you.”

Obi-Wan tilted his head in question. “I see.”

“Does that mean I’d have been able to kill you? Does that mean I win?”

Obi-Wan blinked a few times. “No, that’s… not what that means.”

“But, I totally could have! You were all out of it and not paying attention!” Boba’s eyes were bright and excited, clearly delighted at the thought of having finally gotten one over on him. Obi-Wan was almost tempted to give it to Boba.

But he _had_ raised a ten year old before.

He pursed his lips as though in thought. “I see what you’re saying. You _might_ have poked me, but _did_ you poke me?”

Boba narrowed his eyes. “No.”

“Then how do you know you could have?”

Boba frowned at that and Obi-Wan had no doubt about what was about to happen next.

Obi-Wan leaned back and to the side as Boba’s hand flashed forward, catching Boba when the sudden lunge knocked him off balance. The boy wriggled a little in his arms, and Obi-Wan could feel a slight embarrassment in the Force.

Obi-Wan gently settled Boba back on his knees. “A nice effort.”

“But predictable,” Boba muttered, looking up at him with a pout.

Obi-Wan fought down a smile. “It was a little predictable, yes.”

“So what could I have done that _wouldn’t_ have been predictable?”

Obi-Wan shrugged. “Well, that’s not really something I can tell you, is it? Then you’ll become predictable.”

“Well, I wouldn’t use it on _you_,” Boba argued. “I’d use it on someone else.”

They were interrupted by R2 disengaging from the ship and whistling derogatorily.

“Yeah, well I could take _you_.” Boba sent R2 a mutinous glare.

Before R2 could respond to that with the offense that Obi-Wan had no doubt R2 felt, and before Fett could walk in on Obi-Wan being a passive observer to his kid and Obi-Wan’s droid arguing, Obi-Wan interrupted. “Perhaps this ship has seen enough mess for now, and we can avoid the two of you having another fight.”

A moment later Fett stepped into the hold. “I was wondering what happened that had caused my ship to need a cleaning. I don’t think the floors have been that clean since I’ve had it.”

Obi-Wan paused, but regretted it when Boba immediately jumped in with _his _version of the story. “In order to kill Obi-Wan I had to fight pass R2! But R2 couldn’t keep up with me, so he sprayed oil everywhere to try and stop me. It didn’t work though!”

Well, that had a… passing resemblance to the truth.

Fett nodded, and his eyes had the look of someone who had heard this story before. “Yes, at which point, Obi-Wan decided to clean up after himself.” Fett was watching him, and there was amusement in his eyes, though Obi-Wan wasn’t certain _what_ he found amusing. Surely not that Obi-Wan had cleaned up the spilled oil? That was only common courtesy.

“Yes, well, it was a mess.”

Fett tilted his head as though observing him. “You do have the look of a neat-nick.”

Obi-Wan huffed at that. “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

Fett hummed. “I haven’t decided.”

“You can help me clean my room if you want,” Boba offered, smiling up at Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan found he wasn’t certain if Boba _genuinely_ thought it was a kind offer or if he really just didn’t want to have to clean his room and hoped Obi-Wan would. “It’s always kind of a mess.”

Fett answered before Obi-Wan could. “Nice try, Boba. You still need to clean your own room.”

Obi-Wan shrugged. “You heard your buir.”

Boba sighed.

“That was an instruction for _now_, Boba.”

Boba pouted, but headed off. Obi-Wan watched him go. “How many attempts on my life should I expect on our way to Kamino?”

Fett shrugged. “A few.” Obi-Wan could handle the attempts from Boba, but Obi-Wan _really_ hoped that he wouldn’t have to see any of those attempts coming from Fett. He _hadn’t_ signed up for that.

R2 let out a mournful whistle.

Obi-Wan sent the droid a hurt look. “That’s not fair, R2, I haven’t died yet.”

Both Fett and R2 let out disbelieving sounds, as though they weren’t sure _how_ he was still alive. Which really, that wasn’t fair. These were very special circumstances he’d found himself in, and it was hardly fair for them to judge him on this.

He was a very rational, put together person… most of the time.

“I’m going to make dinner, any allergies?”

“Hoi broth.” Obi-Wan sent a narrow-eyed look up at Fett. “Which is not an invitation to spike my food with it.”

Fett grinned at him, it was not a nice grin, though it looked unfairly good on Fett’s face. “I’ll save any attempts on your life until _after_ I’ve gotten what I want from you.”

“Fair enough.” Hopefully someone new would have ticked Fett off by then and earned Fett’s less-than-desirable attentions.

Fett walked away and Obi-Wan turned back to R2.

“I hope you had a good conversation with the ship, R2?”

R2 let out a smug sounding hum and Obi-Wan immediately decided he didn’t want to know what the two had talked about.

“We’re headed to Kamino. We’ll be trying to expand our army base.”

The next few minutes were filled with R2 interrogating him, and the two of them putting together further plans.

They wouldn’t use _quite_ the same pitch on the clone soldiers as they had the droids. Obi-Wan sighed a little as he realized he was going to have to talk to Fett more. Fett would hopefully have a far better idea of what offers would be more appealing to the clones than Obi-Wan did.

Hopefully Fett was feeling helpful.

For some reason, Obi-Wan doubted it.

-_-

The rest of the trip went surprisingly smoothly. Obi-Wan had interrogated Fett as much as Fett was willing about what sort of terms the clones would want. He and R2 had kept revising their plans. Boba tried to ‘kill’ him a few more times, but mostly he seemed interested in interrogating Obi-Wan while his father sat nearby and scoffed.

At first, Obi-Wan could admit that he’d found the behavior a little annoying. Until he’d realized that Fett was, for some reason, _trying_ to get a reaction out of him.

At which point, Obi-Wan found himself purposefully phrasing things in a way that would make it almost impossible for Fett to _not_ scoff.

Fett had caught on quick, however, and had realized what he was doing and had retaliated by doing his best not to react at all to even the most ludicrous things Obi-Wan said.

Overall, Obi-Wan thought he could consider it a win. Or at the very least, he was certain that _Fett_ hadn’t won, and he could settle for a tie much more gracefully than Fett could. Which was a win in and of itself.

Obi-Wan joined Fett in the cockpit as they prepared to come out of hyperspace. “Are you going to tell me the real reason you brought me here?”

It wasn’t that the curiosity was killing him, Obi-Wan could handle not knowing things. But he found himself… intrigued. Fett was a bundle of contradictions, Obi-Wan had no doubt that Fett would kill anyone who hurt Boba, and yet Obi-Wan was here, having kidnapped Boba—accidentally, he still felt the need to add—but still alive and unhurt.

“No.” Fett looked up at him, hint of a smile on his face accompanied by a clear warning to not push further.

“I will find out, you know.”

Fett scoffed, and Obi-Wan added a mental point to his tally. “Keep dreaming, Kenobi.”

Obi-Wan couldn’t quite restrain himself with an opening like that. “Wouldn’t you just love to be in my dreams, Fett.”

Fett looked somewhat shocked, before a somewhat lewd smile crossed his face. “You saying I’m not already?”

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. “Not by a long shot.”

Fett shrugged. “I suppose I’ll settle for staying in your nightmares.”

“Not even there, Fett. Not even there.”

That seemed truly offensive to Fett. “I’ll have you know—” he pushed a few buttons and they dropped out of hyperspace “—that I am truly—”

Obi-Wan froze, turning to Kamino in front of them. “Oh, this is a complication.”

“What?” Fett cut off, and Obi-Wan could sense the irritated scowl, either at the words or at Obi-Wan ruining his attempts at banter. “We haven’t even landed on planet, yet. What could have _possibly_ complicated matters.”

“Master Yoda is here.” The Grandmaster’s presence was a warm beacon in the Force. Normally, Obi-Wan found the presence of the Grandmaster a calming, soothing thing.

This was far from a normal situation. It was so far from a normal situation that even taking into account Obi-Wan’s rather interesting and unusual past, this situation fell so far off the radar that Obi-Wan was already despairing at the thought of trying to explain.

The softened atmosphere of the moment before was gone as Fett stiffened. “You’re not backing out of our deal, Kenobi.”

“I didn’t say I was _going_ to,” Obi-Wan retorted annoyed. “I just said this complicated things.”

Fett’s eyes on him were piercing. “You better not, Kenobi. I _need_ you.”

“I’ve got this under control.” He specifically didn’t say anything about what Fett had said, he suspected Fett didn’t want Obi-Wan to have noticed the truth or desperation behind it. Obi-Wan quietly re-evaluated just what he suspected Fett’s real motivations were, but suspected that he’d still be surprised when he finally found out what they were.

-_-

“Expect to see you here, I did not.” Yoda settled slowly into a seat as they sat down. Boba had disappeared, but Fett had followed behind the two of them, probably to ensure that Obi-Wan didn’t ‘back out of their deal’. “Saddened, I was, to hear that left the Order you had.”

Obi-Wan winced. “Master Yoda, I can explain.”

Yoda shook his head. “An explanation I do not need. Trust you had reasons I do, young Obi-Wan.”

The emotion that welled up in Obi-Wan’s chest at that was hard to name. Relief maybe, gratification. There had been some small part of him that had assumed that everyone would assume the worst of his actions. And yet, here Master Yoda was, trusting him.

“Thank you, Master Yoda.” Obi-Wan hesitated, there was a part of him that didn’t want to explain his plan, wanted to maintain Yoda’s trust as long as he could. “But there are some things I _need_ to explain.”

But Yoda was _on_ Kamino, and Obi-Wan wouldn’t be able to keep Yoda unaware as he went for his plan. His best shot would be to get Yoda on his side.

But how could he possibly? He was going against the very Republic. Yes, it was mostly to _help_ the Republic, but that didn’t change that for all intents and purposes Obi-Wan would look like the greatest traitor the Republic, or the Jedi, had ever known.

“Then listen, I will.”

Obi-Wan took a deep breath. “Dooku claims that there’s a Sith Lord in the Senate, controlling the Republic.” He shrugged. “That may or may not be true, but there are a few things that _are_ clear. Two armies have rather miraculously made an appearance at an incredibly optimal time to throw the galaxy into straight out war.”

“See this, I do. Hope there still is. Diplomacy we have.”

Obi-Wan nodded. “Yes, we do. And I’m hoping that diplomacy will _work_. I just… don’t think it will, when both sides have an army they can use instead.”

Yoda’s ears flattened a little, but Obi-Wan was fairly certain Yoda agreed with him. Yoda, after all, had lived far longer than Obi-Wan and had seen too many times just how much easier aggression could be.

“A fear this is.”

Obi-Wan sighed. “Which is why I stole the majority of the droid army.” He took a deep breath. “And I plan to ah, declare myself enemy number one.”

Yoda frowned. “Flaws, this—”

“And I’m hoping to steal the clone army as well.”

Yoda blinked several times, looking genuinely surprised. Which, given everything Yoda had seen in his life, was an incredible feat.

“If I have both armies, then if the Republic or CIS want to go to war they’ll have to actually convince the public that it’s the right action, and even then, they’d be hesitant to _actually_ go to war when I have… well, two armies.”

“Wish to keep the Republic hostage by fear, you will?”

“No!” Obi-Wan exclaimed, feeling immediately sickened. “I’ve been speaking with the droid army and with Fett, though I also hope to speak to the clones. But I’m hoping to keep things from escalating into a galactic war for as long as possible, and then to negotiate rights as regular citizens for both the droid and clone armies…” he winced a little. “At which point I will turn myself in and face the consequences of my actions.”

Behind him Fett stirred, but Obi-Wan ignored him.

Treason, of course, had only one consequence he could expect. But he would have kept the Republic from falling apart, and would have hopefully spared pulling the Jedi’s reputation through the mud.

Yoda closed his eyes, and Obi-Wan could feel him reaching out to the Force, communing softly with an ease and depth that Obi-Wan admired.

Finally Master Yoda opened his eyes. “Condone this course of action, I cannot.”

Obi-Wan felt his stomach sink, unsure how he was supposed to go forward. Fett had, annoyingly enough, been right about one thing. If he was to be truly successful, getting the clones on his side was a necessity. But if Master Yoda thought that Obi-Wan needed stopping, then Obi-Wan… Obi-Wan couldn’t and wouldn’t bring himself to fight Master Yoda.

“Only one course of action does that leave you,” Master Yoda continued, and Obi-Wan could suddenly feel the Force swirling in strange anticipation. “Abduct me you must.”

Obi-Wan felt his jaw drop, because of everything he might have expected Yoda to say, that was _not _what he’d expected. “What?”

Behind him, Obi-Wan could hear Fett trying to bring his breathing under control before the man apparently lost it and started laughing.

Master Yoda was nodding seriously. “Yes, abduct me you must. A shame it is, that abductee’s syndrome will I quickly develop.”

“Master Yoda!” Obi-Wan didn’t know if he’d ever been this appalled in his life, and he’d raised Anakin for a decade!

Master Yoda gave him a small smile, and Obi-Wan smiled back in helpless confusion. What was the old Master even _thinking_? “Old I am, very wearying it is, to be taken hostage. A nap I think I will take.”

Behind him, Fett was still laughing while Obi-Wan tried and failed to compute Yoda's actions. Obi-Wan hoped he choked on his laughter, the bastard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope life is going well for all of you wonderful people! Hope you enjoyed the chapter!


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